Parakalein

I sat with a family.  I knew they loved each other.  I saw that the parents wanted to correct the behavior of the child. They wanted to be "good" parents. I saw that the child knew what he had done was wrong. I saw that the child wanted to be "good".  Who was right and who was doing wrong? were the dilemmas they brought into my office.  This is neither unique not extraordinary.

So where was the disconnect.

When I want to "correct" a persons behavior I shift into a superior inferior relationship.  It is true that the behavior needs to be corrected and to not address the behavior is just as much in error as addressing it in a way that leads to frustration and non-change.  People change when they feel loved and cared for not when they feel corrected.

Romans 2:8 tells us that "the kindness of God leads people to repentance.  Kindness does not look away from wrong behavior it looks at the person or part of a person that is behaving in this way as bearing a burden.  So I care for the person to release the burden.  The burden may be "the only way to be loved is to do the right thing" which then means if I do the wrong thing I am unloved and unloveable.

People change not because of my superior ability to point out the wrongness in them, not because they feel shame or guilt, but because they feel loved and cared for.  This is primal and primary point of confusion and disconnect inside people and outside in relationships.

If I change one letter twice, the focus shifts.  The letters "rr" becomes "nn".  The word "correct" becomes the word "connect".  The world shifts back onto its axis.  The system is balanced by compassion.

When I settle down my desire to be right and make you behave right, and simultaneously settle down my fear of not being a good parent or counselor, I am set free to connect with you and your internal frustration.  The connection, "therapeutic alliance", is what helps you to want to change from the inside out.   The resistance we often meet in others is the invitation to connect with rather than correct that resistance.

Helping the parents to connect with their child. To really listen and understand the inner frustration of the child is to shift focus.  It also leads the child to learn to shift the same focus toward the parent.  Helping the child to feel connected to his parents will result in a connection that flows naturally into a shift of behavior because there has been a shift of care.

When I try to correct you even if I am right I get resistance.  When I care for you and connect with you the resistance is released and the internal desire to "self correct" is embraced.

Connections produce corrections.

Perhaps this is why, God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son that whosoever believes in him (and God's desire to connect with them) should not perish (be disconnected from God) but have eternal life (the eternal connection becomes internal).