Parakalein

I was out for a walk this morning to commune with nature and the creator.  This is pretty regular behavior for me.  It is a little thing.  Then a big thing began to happen in my heart and soul.

I remembered a very little moment in time.  It was about a year ago now while I was still in the "valley of the shadow of death" referred to in previous blogs.  I was in our church during the coffee our and a lovely Christian woman, who I know well and who has a deep appreciation for "nice things', said to me "I really like your tie".  My comedic part that is not as funny as it thinks it is sometimes said, "Oh you like my tie but not me".  While she said nothing back to me I imagine she was saying to herself, "What the hell?"  Indeed this morning that is what came to me that was the "hell of darkness in me" that was so overwhelming that it had me respond our of my shame and hurt and inflict shane and hurt on this nice woman.  Because I was in my pain of loss and grief, shame and guilt, I unintentionally yet nevertheless inflicted on her my shame and guilt.  Why could I not just say, "thank you"?  I had a part that felt so unloved and unloving that it wanted so much to hear "I like you" but many people had said that and it made no difference.  When you are in a wounded depressed place nothing anyone says can be taken in.
I rejected her noticing a part of me which is really what i needed to accept.  Emotional blindness like spiritual blindness is ubiquitous when you are depressed.

My first response to this was, "I was just kidding".  then I had a part say "you got to be kidding",  We often kid ourselves and miss what God has for us. It was real and I had unintentionally (which matters little even if it is true, inflicted discomfort on an innocent nice person.  It does not even matter if she recalls it our not.  I made a commitment inside to honor all parts and be less kidding.

A tie and a conversation about this is really little.  The part I dealt with as I walked is the part that was at first defensive.  I am unsure why this memory came up but I had gone inside thinking about asking a group to do this exercise with me later today.  Then I realized it was not about asking a group to do it it was about doing it myself.  Why this morning because I dealt with a part of me that grieves the loss of preaching and treating because I am at a conference for pastors who are grieving hurt and pain.  I thought I needed to do something.  All I need to do is know the love of God so deep that no failure is so big or small that it  overrides experiencing and trusting that love of God in Christ.  So I will say thank you to the host today.

I let the love and grace of God come into that moment and wash over the parts that felt so hurt that they hurt others.  A wave of love filled my soul and that is big.  Had I not paid attention to this little part coming up about a little experience in my life thai is yes little.  I would miss the BIG experience of the love of God being poured into my hurting parts so they do not carry the burden of hurt or inflict that on others however small.

That is Big.

Imagine a world where we just said "thank you" and all our hurt parts, our fear centers, our shame were all welcome into the presence of love and grace.  For me as a Christ follower that is the table of and for communion.  Yes, I will tekk this woman I appreciate her and her noticing my tie.