Parakalein

I was working with a couple recently and they identified a somewhat common pattern of approach avoidance with a twist.

She acknowledged an insecure part that triggered in her partner a shut down part that withdrew and became distant.  This only exacerbated and furthered her insecure part.  She then complained that it was all about him and that he was incredibly insensitive.

In an attempt to not foster the traditional back and forth, accuse defend modality, I invited him to go inside and see what was going on inside his own mind.  This was hard as he was accustomed to defending himself and attacking her.

When he looked inside he noticed that he to had an insecure part.  His insecure part felt really triggered when she didn't trust him and became accusatory and/or judging him as insensitive or worse.  When I asked him what his insecure part needed form her it was trust.  His insensitive part was his protector that moved him away from a familiar childhood experience of distrust and accusing.

She began to notice that her insecure part was triggered by a childhood experience of "emotional injury" that carried the feeling of distrust.

They made a commitment to understand each others parts and their reactions as where the insecurity and insensitivity were fed.  They choose to begin to feed the "aware and sensitive" and the "safe and secure parts of each of them.

Awareness replaced judgment and fear of loss of relationship.  Trust replaced fear of abandonment and lack of safety.