Parakalein

How do I say what I honestly feel without hurting the one I love?

So I was asked to day.  So I said how do you not tell the one you honestly love what you honestly feel.
So often we either keep what we feel to ourselves because we do not want to hurt the one we love or we get so frustrated that we scream and rage at the person we love who then feels venom, not love and feels a victim, not cared for.

In Ephesians 4, Paul tells us to "speak the truth in love" so that we might contribute to maturity (growing up) and mutual respect.  I have pastored two churches for nearly 20 years and I never in any training or teaching had anyone nurture a way of being honest and forthright while remaining compassionate and calm.   I witnessed people saying things that were true in my judgment but they were saying them in hurtful ways with venom spilling out everywhere.  I also witnessed people holding truth back because they were afraid the person would not receive or respond well and they did not want to hurt them.  What no one saw is that giving truth without grace and withholding truth for fear of causing hurt both caused incredible hurt and presented a poor witness to the world.

So here is a shot.  Suppose I had a friend who did something really stupid that I wanted to call him on.  If I said "you were stupid" that night be true but it would be judgmental and cruel.  But if he was being a jerk and stupid I would not be a good friend if I just kept it to myself for fear that he would be hurt by or angry toward me.  However, if I said, "You know you are a good friend and a part of me knows you are smart and insightful many times so that is why it is so hard for another part of me to have heard you say what sounded to me, just plain stupid. Then again, a part of me might have heard you totally wrong or inferred something that you never intended but I want you to know it sounded stupid to some of my parts.
There is another part of me that wants and needs to be honest with you about how I feel while being open to understand your intention and concerns.

So do you hear the honesty spoken clearly and confidently but not arrogantly and demeaningly.  Do you hear the calmness that does not judge and the compassion that channels love and truth with grace?

Practice speaking truth in loving ways and watch the respect and maturity blossom before your eyes and in your spirit.