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I am a pastor and a clinical psychotherapist. My life's passion is defining healthiness from a human perspective and paralleling it to the holiness of God, divine perspective. Shifting perspectives creates a paradigm that is alongside of rather than over and against. The parakalein of God and the paradoxes of humanity are redefined. Humanity is all about winning and yet we are losing ground everywhere. Divinity is all about letting go of the desire to win and the fear of loss. The Divine embraces the world with loving care regardless of anything.

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Epic Failing what a tradition

Posted by Don Paine

Just saw the posting of an epic failing conference for pastors who love to fail successfully.  Well not exactly.  Fear of failure often has us all stay in our caves or cocoons.  We die there instead of breaking new ground.  this is breaking new ground idea that I applaud.  Way to go!  I look forward to going.

I have been in a deep depression for 18 months following the sudden deaths of my brother (62) and co-visionary in IFS and Christian Truth (52).  I felt a total failure for these 18 months and 4 weeks ago through a series of 7 things in seven days God helped me to see in the darkness of my depression the light.  I did not have to step out of the darkness just notice that while I felt alone and abandoned I was neither alone or abandoned.  He was in the darkness with me.  Ex 20:21.  I am renewed, restored, re-energized, and re-visited.  I have a story to tell.  the story is of God being present with me always even the most when known the least.  The Footsteps Story is changed for me.  There are times that God carries us through things (old version).    There are times when it is our footprints in the sand and we see that He is in us having never left us or forsaken us even in the darkness.  I learned and am learning.

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September 11th

Posted by Don Paine

A Day of remembrance and forbearance.   Some say, never forget the attack on NYC.  Other's say, you have to forgive.  The recent warfare of words about the Muslim site at "ground zero" is a good illustration of what forgiveness is and what it is not.

It is not about saying that it was okay that someone murdered intentionally thousands of innocent people.  It is not even about forgetting what happened that day.  Who can forget such a horrible day in human history.  It is about remembering that many people and nations, ethnic and religious groups, people all over earth and through out human history have been the victims and perpetrators of horrific acts.

What the world needs now is not a self-centered love that days, "God bless America" but a compassion toward all people of earth from the pitt of hell that 9/11 reminds us of we can speak God's love for all people.  When we can without prejudice but with open heartedness invite the Muslims and any other religious group and even the atheist group into a place a acceptance and embrace we are practicing the essence of the gospel.  Jesus loved those who loved to hear him and those who killed him.  He embraced the hatred of his enemies with love from and in his heart.  This did not mean he liked it approved and or welcomed it.  It did mean he saw beyond it to the hurt and aching heart of the perpetrator and offered that heart an understanding and compassion that was simply "open hearted".

This indeed will make us vulnerable to abuse and misuse as indeed Jesus received.  It will also open our hearts to understand that our enemies are us not them.  War will only cease when our hearts are not enraged by anger and fueled by fear.  Compassion does not condemn of condone anyone or anything.  Compassion lives the transforming power of love into the heart of the enemy.

9/11 is a call for us to shout, Forgive us our sins and forgive our enemies their sins against us.  It is a call to pray, God bless our World with love and peace.  Help us to live in peace and receive in love all peoples of earth.

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An Open Heart of Forgiveness

Posted by Don Paine


God’s heart that was hurting and broken as God saw the choices of humanity.  God sent his son into the world not to forgive the world so much as to lead the world into a category three storm of forgiveness.  A storm of forgiveness that will swirl around us and have us spin away form a physical and temporal focus on forgiveness to an internal and eternal focus on forgiveness.

God let his heart be broken by the anger and vengeance of humanity toward the gift of the Son to teach us to get out of the world of condemnation into the world of compassion and care.

God said do whatever you like to me from whatever angry and hurt part of you wants to do it and know that I remain in an “openhearted” posture toward you.
God is more than anything, hopelessly devoted to pouring into our lives hope and devotion.  Jesus came not to “condemn the world” there is already too much self-righteous condemnation of others.  Jesus came to lead us into a place of healing of the hurts that propel us to un-forgiveness.

Where is that place of forgiveness?

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Forgiveness is About Open Heartedness

Posted by Don Paine


Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us?

This is a troubling part of the Lord’s Prayer that I have prayed often without really thinking about it.

So if we do not forgive other’s, God does not forgive us?  Many of us do not really forgive other’s.  We say things, like I forgive you then we proceed to isolate, undermine, passively or aggressively attack. 

In my work with couple’s whose marriage’s end, the person who says they are forgiving is not really forgiving and the person who is pursing the end of the marriage is cast into the role of intentionally hurting the other person.  Often that is the person who has forgiven and is attempting to move on gracefully while the other person infers in an infuriating way that they have forgiven.

So what is this about anyway?  What is true forgiveness?
Paul tells us that Godly sorrow leads to change and leaves no regrets.  Is there a hint here about forgiveness.  I think so.

As the Japanese proverb says, forgiveness without repentance is like writing on water.  True forgiveness is the prompter and promoter of change of heart.  Forgiveness is about open heartedness.  It is letting go of the hurt not to be hurt again but to free oneself up from perpetuating the hurt.  The sign of true forgiveness is that my heart is loving and caring toward the one who has hurt me.  Anything that allows me to stay in an unforgiving state contributes to non-forgiveness even if it is my saying “I forgive you”.

So if we forgive people who have hurt us by having an open heart of love and car e toward them.  We are free of our “non-forgiveness” of the one who hurt so our hearts reflect the very heart of God.  This is true forgiveness which is what we get onlywhen we give it.  Otherwise what we call forgiveness is convincing ourselves that we are right and the offender is wrong but we will do our duty to forgive.  Only to do so in words rather than in heart.

Thankfully God forgives us in heart and words.  Indeed we need to do the same.

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MACUCC Conference

Posted by Don Paine

This is a video of a sermon preached at the Mass Conference of UCC at which we were delegates.  It was inspiring not just for the content and delivery but for the clarity of what "Welcoming and Affirming" is all about.  Watch, see and learn the heart of the UCC message that "all are welcome" not just in words but in attitudes and actions of its membership.


Sermon from 2010 Mass. Conference Annual Meeting from Mass. Conference UCC on Vimeo.

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On Forgiveness

Posted by Don Paine

There are I think many levels of forgiveness and many stages.  Over the next few days I will share soem thoughts on this topic.

First I am thinking these days that forgiveness is not something I have to do for others.  Maybe it is even something that I cannot do.  When I am told I have to forgive someone it feels like a part of me has been hurt or wounded and it is being told to just let it go and get over it.  The part feels that that becomes a secondary offense.  It does not want to get over it.  It wants to be heard and validated.  It does want to get over feeling badly, being angry, and it actually wants to forgive but it does not want to let the offender off the hook.

What a dilemma.

If I do not forgive.  I am bad because people tell me I need to forgive just as God for Christ sake forgave me.
If i do forgive, the part of me that feels hurt is feeling ignored, pushed aside, and uncared for.

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Duality, polarity, and harmony. How parts interact and develop.

Posted by Don Paine

 Life and the experiences of life invite a person to develop.  What is it that develops?  In the multiplicity of experiences are only exceeded by the multiple ways in which those experiences are categorized and catalogued in the brain.

Every experience, thought, feeling and belief came into existence in response to something or someone.  Each one becomes a part who needs and wants to feel compassion and care, who fears loss of any thing, who desires gain of some kind, who sees other parts as their rivals within.  Each part like two siblings both love and hate the existence of the other.  The internal rivalry between parts and the polarities of those parts do not threaten the system but actually energize the system.  The parts however do not see this because they become “part-focused”.  The develop elaborate systems of protective parts due to fear of loss and desire of gain.

The duality of all living things provides an opportunity to welcome all living things with creative curiosity as how they can assist and desist with each other.  When any and every part is invited into the “light space” of open and creative new life emerges.  When there is an invitation to “dark space” another form of life emerges. 

Humanity begins to believe a lie.  The lie is that they have to do something or they will miss something.   The lie is that if they do nothing they are weak and fearful.  If they do not do anything they are weak and fearful.  So to prove that they are strong they eat to live only to eat to die.

Divinity knows that no matter what happens “compassion and courage” calmly and cooperatively responds not out of fear or anger but out of love and compassion.  Love indeed conquers all things, not by might and power over and against but by the presence of love and grace alongside of. 

The parakalein idea of God is of an “alongside of” posture and position.  God comes alongside of all that is an calmly and compassionately responds not our of fear and anger but out of love and grace.  God surrenders the “might is right” power matrix  to the “the right to surrender my might and power to  the righteouseness of remaining right in my heart toward all” is a dynamic shift from power over to power alongside of.  Power not proven by its thirst to be or prove it is right but the willingness to sacrifice that right to.  It is a shift from being right in the sense of correct vs incorrect to being right in the sense of remaining non-defenseive, self-protective, and self-propagating.

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On Forgiveness

Posted by Don Paine

You have to forgive. 


I have heard that said a lot of times and have said it a lot of times.  Today I am thinking not so much.

In an over and against context of living it seems to be that I have to forgive people or I need to be forgiven by people.  A part of me has been caught more than one in the dilemma and paradox of this valley.  It is the valley of forgiveness.

In that valley there is frustration, anger, fear and lament anything but peace.

As I thought about that I recalled the words of Peter,  “How many times must I forgive my brother”.  Peter had no doubt experienced the valley of forgiveness and wanted out of it.   He was no doubt tired of forgiving people only to feel that he was contributing to their continued behavior and he wanted to know when he could stop that.  When I forgive someone who has no intention of seeing their behavior as needing a “repentance job” rather than a “repair job”, I feel like I am contributing to problem.  It is not about repairing any thing it is about changing something.  Peter may have also been tired of feeling if he did not forgive he was being unforgiving and resentful.  One thing is true something had to change, for Peter.  Jesus words came paradoxically clear as he said, “70 times 7 is how many times you have to forgive your brother.  If Peter heard this literally, he could be unforgiving at 491st offense.  If Peter heard it another way, he might have concluded, so it is not about me forgiving my brother so what is it about.


As I consider the dilemma and paradox of forgiveness, I see two things very clearly.  One forgiveness releases people from the burden of unforgiveness, and two the need to forgive burdens people with perpetuating the hurt and pain they experienced while letting the perpetrator and the victim be fragmented by both unforgiveness and forgiveness.

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The Would Shed

Posted by Don Paine

Words, words, and more words.  Books are everywhere about everything. 


I have often thought about writing but as often figured, who would care about anything I would say.  I had an insecure and doubting part that agreed, no one would read anything I said.  The part even said when I die all the words and thoughts that I thought will die with me for no one will have seen them.  Then I have another part that imagines people hearing me preach or teach or reading what I wrote.  The first is the depleted ego and the latter is the inflated ego.

I have decided to create a “Would Shed” on my blog and to regularly right what I “would say” if anyone was listening.  Random thoughts as they come to me through random or not so random experiences will be the focus of these entries.

If any random thought stimulates a part of you to consider something in a new and different way, I hope the benefit will be your own stimulation and growth.

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Forgiveness

Posted by Don Paine

“The Other Side of Forgiveness”

You have to forgive. 

I have heard that said a lot of times and have said it a lot of times.  Today I am thinking not so much.

In an over and against context of living it seems to be that I have to forgive people or I need to be forgiven by people.  A part of me has been caught more than one in the dilemma and paradox of this valley.  It is the valley of forgiveness.

In that valley there is frustration, anger, fear and lament anything but peace.

As I thought about that I recalled the words of Peter,  “How many times must I forgive my brother”.  Peter had no doubt experienced the valley of forgiveness and wanted out of it.   He was no doubt tired of forgiving people only to feel that he was contributing to their continued behavior and he wanted to know when he could stop that.  When I forgive someone who has no intention of seeing their behavior as needing a “repentance job” rather than a “repair job”, I feel like I am contributing to problem.  It is not about repairing any thing it is about changing something.  Peter may have also been tired of feeling if he did not forgive he was being unforgiving and resentful.  One thing is true something had to change, for Peter.  Jesus words came paradoxically clear as he said, “70 times 7 is how many times you have to forgive your brother.  If Peter heard this literally, he could be unforgiving at 491st offense.  If Peter heard it another way, he might have concluded, so it is not about me forgiving my brother so what is it about.

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Language of God

Posted by Don Paine

Just saw the video from UCC on God is still speaking! What is the language of God? Love! Justice, Peace and Hope!


Amazing challenge to the world to see God's amazing love in the people whom God has made. Be debtors and have no agenda except to love and accept people as they are. Maybe we should put a period where our prejudice, our narrow mindedness, and our self-serving agendas. Then we can put a comma after everyone whom God has made feels love, compassion, community, justice, hope, and peace....and on and on, to all people in all parts of the world!

Maybe this is the Christmas Message to all within and beyond Christendom: When there is peace in the hearts of all on earth there will be only "goodwill (of love, joy and peace) towards all on earth" -

Please take a minute to watch this video and find the Spirit inside and be the Spirit outside!

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God is always present

Posted by Don Paine

The alongside of God is always alongside us even when we do no feel it or experience it.


I am always encouraged when I sense God's presence. I am discouraged when I feel God's absence. I am reminded that we are to live by faith not sight. "Sola gratia" of by grace alone was Luther's great internal discovery.

My wife and I recently visited my daughter and grandson who live in Seoul Korea. We visited the orphanage that she and my son (her natural brother) lived for several month prior to coming to America to be raised in a Christian home. Who would have imagined that 30 years later I would be walking into the orphanage that gave her to us to thank them and to support her dream of giving back to that orphanage. These kids are in this orphanage dropped there by circumstances out of there control just like her and her brother 30 years ago. She brings to them the living hope that she was like them and God is present to heal all betrayals and abandonment through the grace of God that never abandons us even if we feel it at times.

As we walked up the street to the orphanage it was snowing which it seldom does particularly this much. We had prepared a santa sack full of gifts for the children but the greatest gift was to see the falling snow, to feel the magical and mystical presence of a God that pours HIs purity and healing into our lives in unanticipated ways. The children seemed to have never seen a snow ball before so I became a snow ball machine and they the recipients of the fun and magic of the moment. God was present in a way that no one on earth could have orchestrated. Gifts were present to the children, to my daughter and grandson, to me to all of us that are all because of the grace of God's falling snow into our lives.

God was right there alongside of us. God is always right there "alongside of us". I wonder how many times I need to experience that to really know that in the times when I feel abandoned, I am not. My daughter is teaching me though her faith that heals her sense of abandonment and betrayal. My prayer is that we will all learn to be healed in what my daughter would call seoul healing. Where I have caused feelings of abandonment and where I have experienced abandonment God sprinkles his snowy grace into our lives. A beautiful snow falls from heaven on all of us today. God is present always with grace and healing.

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